Another Way

Is there another way to look at it?

Hmmm this prompt made me stop and think for a moment. There’s been a lot of tough and complicated situations in my life. I’ve had a lot of hard things to deal with and overcome. In general I, and the rest of my family, seem to have rather bad luck; for lack of a better term. Though I try to not let the negative get me down or get stuck in my mind I can’t deny that it does. Its very easy for my mind to instantly start a cycle when something doesn’t go as planned. I start a downward spiral into worry and dread as my mind conjures all the worst possible outcomes. Logically I know this isn’t healthy and that while yes, these outcomes could happen they aren’t written in stone. Often things don’t turn out in the most horrible way that my mind has depicted, and sometimes it does. Yet, is there another way to look at it? Yes, there is and its something I need to think about more often.

There’s been recent times in my life that I get my blinders on and look at a situation or perspective one sided. I get stuck in a loop and go on and on, only looking at things one way. Then a friend or family member will say something that snaps me back to reality and forces me to look at a different perspective. This isn’t always pretty as life has an ugly side. Its human nature to not want to realize that your line of thinking may not be quite right or even entirely wrong. But looking at things in another light can help break down the walls we build around ourselves. There’s been times I’ve kept myself from moving forward, from embracing an opportunity to make my life better because I can only see one side of the situation. Its not always easy but if I can make myself stop for a moment, unlock my brain, and look at things in another way I may be able to help my life progress in the direction I want.

Then there’s the cynical part of me and really humanity as a whole. We get set in our ways and cannot conceive another way of thinking. This line of thinking is dangerous. When we fail to look at things in another way, from another’s point of view, we teeter on the edge of harm; and some fall off. When we fall into a pit where one way of thinking is the only right way we can conceive, hate and fear ensue. Hatred and fear lead to such atrocities as racism, homophobia, bigotry, harassment and the like. These things can lead us to harming other people because we get stuck in one way of thinking. I’m sure at any given time you can sit somewhere in the public, watching and listening to those around you and hear this line of thinking expressed. I know I often hear snide remarks from those who think their way of thinking is the one true way. If we could all just stop and ask our selves; is there another way to look at it, than perhaps the world could be filled with less hate and more understanding.

 

Hinder

What things could hinder you from expressing your own original ideas. How could you overcome these obstacles?

I burn with the desire to leave my mark upon this world. I want to leave behind something others can connect with, something that will grant me immortality long after my bones have been laid to rest. My mind is constantly mulling over an idea for some form of creative writing or expression. Yet, locked within my mind they stay. The biggest thing that hinders me from expressing my ideas and turning them into tangible creations is myself. I spew hopes and dreams of becoming a well know writer, of becoming a somebody. However, I do little to actually achieve this goal. A writer who doesn’t take time to write is hardly a writer. No? I have bits and pieces of ‘books’ that I’ve started that are left unfinished, though the plot still remains fresh in my mind. I have a few short works of poetry or flash fiction that has been thrown about and placed in various places on the internet. I even have a finished children’s story that is just rotting on my computer as I do nothing to get it published. My lack of motivation is my biggest foe.

So why am I so unmotivated? Well that delves into many factors which are also hindrances in and of themselves. My motivation ebbs and flows as my depression comes and goes. I’m not merely self diagnosing here, in the past I’ve been diagnosed with major depression. There’s a lot in my life that has contributed to my mental state but I won’t cover that in this blog. My mood tends to flow through cycles that can be triggered by the something major, something small, or nothing at all. I’ve dealt with this for years now and at times its better, and other times its worse. When at some of my lowest points the desire I carry to transcend my current life still burns deeply. Unfortunately, the flame isn’t hot enough to burn down the curtain of despair. Instead of doing something proactive I let myself get caught up in the woes of life and grow stagnant.

Lack of motivation, and depression are further aided by my own ignorance and lack or resources. My ignorance could be cured if I would make the time to really research and find the steps I need to take. As mentioned above I do have a finished work just sitting untouched and unread. Now I just need to figure out the steps to take toward publishing. Not that its an easy task but I’ll for sure never achieve it without putting forth any effort. My ignorance in what to do next is further exacerbated by my scant financial resources and social connections.

Ahh but excuses, excuses; there’s almost always a way to overcome adversity. I suppose one of the first things I should do is make it a point to write more. Even if its not writing on one of my books taking the time to write gets the creative juices flowing and sharpens the skills. I also need to make time to research the publishing process. I don’t expect to get handed a deal, or get published on my first try. I know it won’t be easy and there will be rejection. Yet, I’ll never be published if I don’t submit. Lastly, I need to reach out and communicate with others who have similar goals or who have experience in this field. I do actually know a person or two who could offer some advice. Why haven’t I reacted out to them? Laziness I suppose. Time and time again I have boasted that I will become an author. So now I need to stop talking about it and do it.

I’ll end this blog with a quote from a man who always inspires me.

“Your book isn’t burned it was never written …”
-Marilyn Manson: The Gardner : Born Villain

 

All Hallows Eve

All Hallows Eve is just around the corner and my skin is tingling with anticipation. While for several years now I’ve not really gotten a chance to do anything to celebrate, Halloween remains my favorite holiday. Since I was a small child this time of year, Halloween in particular, always was a special. The lovely colors that adorn the trees just before they shed their foliage are a sight to behold. Pumpkins, gourds, corn stalks and other lovely things decorating houses all around. Morbid and macabre items fill the shelves and costumes of all kinds begin to rear their heads. All this makes me feel at home in the world.

Sigh if only this morbidly magnificent time of year stretched on a little longer. From October 1st to just after November 2^nd when Day of the Dead wraps up is the time I look forward to all other days of the year. Through winter, spring, and summer I eagerly await the store shells to yet again fill with skeletons, pumpkins, zombies, and other spooky items. Its when I would love to do most of my home décor shopping if I wasn’t always broke. Even just window shopping gives me a thrill as I stand amidst all the macabre goodies. However, over the past few years I’ve noticed a decline in my local stores of all the spooky treasurers I adore. Earlier in October I stood in horror looking at my beloved Halloween items sitting only inches from Christmas items. “What blaspheme is this?” I thought as I shook my head. Not for any religious reasons did this cross my mind as I’m not religious in the slightest. Yet, October hasn’t even passed yet, nor has Thanksgiving and they are already promoting Christmas. But what do I expect? Christmas is the biggest money stealing holiday. My heart sank further when my boyfriend, who works in retail, told me last week they had reduced the Halloween stock down to a little cart. Nothing was going on clearance and soon these items would be stored for next year. Halloween night hasn’t even come and gone yet, it is already being tossed aside.

I recall how excited I would get every year as a child as Halloween night grew closer. Months before October I would have several ideas for costumes and be witting them away until only one idea remained. I recall dressing up as a witch, ghost, dog, cat, and on one occasion a combination of a magical witch cat. Now I still get flashes of inspiration for costume ideas and would love to dress up. Sadly due to time, money, and other factors I’ve not gotten to for many years now. Each year I get my hopes up that I can dress up and go to a costume party. Yet, each year something keeps me from it. My childhood wonder and desire to transform myself into someone else, even if just temporary, is something that has stayed with me these twenty some odd years. Perhaps, next year I can indulge myself. We shall see.

I sit here typing this a day before Halloween. Part of me is excited but another part is doleful. My beloved holiday is set to pass me by uneventful as it has for many a year now. It is starting to become a bittersweet time as I find myself unable to partake in the joys I once delighted in. Yet, this is one part of my life where I remain hopeful. I look forward to the day when I can once again find the resources to join in on all the creepy fun. Be forewarned when I make my return to the Halloween scene it will be in full force.

 

Connecting With The Nobodies

Sitting here in my own world as usual with headphones on tuning out the world and into the music of my choice. While listing to my favorite artists, Marilyn Manson, his song “The Nobodies” began playing. Most, if not all, of his songs connect with and affect me in some way or another. However, this song always strikes a particular chord with me. Thus, I decided to write about it and discuss how I correlate to the lyrics.

“Today I am dirty
I want to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I’m just dirt”

The first words of the song always ring in my ears. I often look at myself in disgust. Not as being dirty necessary but as being ugly, undesirable, not worthy. The next line also hits home as I want to be pretty, though my own sense of beauty is a bit warped. I want to be pretty in the sense that I want to be the person I feel inside rather than the me that reflects the world. I always envision myself different and make plans to make the changes needed to metamorphosis. Yet, I know from past attempts I’ll fail and thus will be dirt.

“Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I’m forever dirt”

The days pass by yet, I never make the changes I claim I will. I remain forever dirty, lying in failure and self abhorrence. I wanted to make the changes, to transform into the creature I hold dearly in my mind. I always intent to turn things around but intentions get me know where as they never manifest. Therefore, forever shall I remain dirt…

“We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we’re dead
They’ll know just who we are”

The chorus resonates with me the most. I feel like an insignificant nobody who is wasting away in the cesspool that it my life. I long to be somebody, to be something, to leave something behind and make a mark on the  world. When we die we are forgotten a few generations later unless we’ve done something to make history take note. I don’t want to go quietly into nonexistence, rather I want to immortalize myself by leaving something behind that will be remembered.

“Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day”

This part doesn’t resonate wit me in the same way as the rest of the song but still gives me something to draw from. To me it represents how our society works. We feed off of the most tragic and horrific scenes. We watch the news and other media outlets almost waiting, dare I say craving the next gruesome headline. Ratings sore when something horrible happens. We perpetuate the cycle, with all the media coverage and the perpetrator goes down in history and will forever be remembered. 

 

My Life’s Lot

Prompt: My lot in life makes me feel…

 

My lot in life has not been a particularly easy one. I wont outline my whole life story but to sum it up as shortly as possible I’ve witnessed my mother fall prey to cancer and other illnesses. I watched her health deteriorate and her personality change until she ceased to be. In the midst of this my father took his own life shortly after my high school graduation. I had to “grow up” much faster than many others and had to become self reliant and stand on my own. I’ve battled depression for years and still have my bouts with it. Some have told me how strong I am and how proud they are of me. Yet, I look at my self and my life with bitter disdain. Sure I’m still alive, I’m still standing despite the misfortunes I’ve faced but I’m just another nobody wasting away…

I burn with the desire to be ‘somebody’ and fantasize about the life I want. I see myself as a well known and successful author. Not too much in the public eye but enough that my name is recognized. I’ve done something with my life, made something of myself, and left a mark upon the world. Then reality shatters the bubble and I look at my life for what it is… less than mediocre. I’m a community collage student who is racking up debit. My boyfriend and I live on our own and I own my house yet, we are always strapped for cash. We live in one room because we can’t heat or cool the entire house, live off of fast food and packaged noodles, and feel rather stuck. I make plans to ‘do something’ with my life. I set goals but never take steps to achieve them. I often look at myself with disgust. I say “I’ll make it one day.” and “I’ll do something with my life.” Then turn around and do nothing.

I suppose labeling myself as a hopeless dreamer sums everything up. I always have my head in the clouds to escape the drab reality that is my life. I want to take the world by storm and leave behind something that will impact others. I conjure ideas of grandeur only to let them remain in my head. I’ll start a project and never finish it. Or in the case of my hopes of writing children’s stories, I’ll let a finished work rot away on my computer. My laziness, lack of motivation, and ignorance of what steps to take keep me stuck in the rut that is my lot in life. Some circumstances are beyond my control, others lie with me. If I want to end this bitter existence I need to get my head out of the clouds and focus on how to realistically achieve my goals.

 

 

 

New Direction

Well I’ve been mulling some things over concerning my blog and writing in general. I’ve decided to rework this blog a bit and will no longer be featuring my photography or creative writing here. Instead I will be focusing more on blogging my thoughts, experiences, and perhaps, some blogging prompt responses. I’m still debating upon leaving my previous posts of photography and creative writing or deleting them. Feedback is welcome on this notion. However, if you are interested in my creative writing I will be displaying it here: http://www.wattpad.com/user/ParaMorbid and my photography will be displayed here: http://para-morbid.deviantart.com/ Thank you for reading and I hope to get the redesign underway soon.

 

Cravings

I want to be more than what I am
Much more than a sucking little lamb
Fill my head with things unknown
Not into the fire to be thrown

Transform and change
Mind going deranged
Infuse me with the dark
Unto lies do not hark

Always hungry, always thirsting
Never filling, never busting
An appetite that can’t be quelled
A burning flame that never pales

 

Dismal Leaves

Photo taken and edited by Para Morbid

 

Oddly Alluring and Wonderfully Weird

Reflecting the world but the glass is cracking
Feeling incomplete, something is lacking
The world looks in seeing its own reflection
Everything’s normal until closer inspection

Pick up a hammer and shatter the glass
Crawl inside, wade through the past
Pick off the cobwebs and adjust your eyes
Look around, the exterior lies

The world is distorted, dark, and drear
With a touch of whimsey and morbid cheer
Things that are strange lie all around
Left is right, and up is down

Oddly alluring and wonderfully weird
Where normal is loathed and grotesque is revered
Beauty lies in all the wrong places
You’re a stranger here, recognizing no faces

A path appears, but should you follow?
A lump in your throat and its hard to swallow
Take a deep breath and gather your strength
The path stretches out for an unknown length

Deeper and deeper into the depths you dive
There’s no guarantee of coming out alive
The path grows darker with each step you take
Now you wonder if this was all a mistake

The path stretches onward yet, its to dark too see
The urge rises up and you begin to flee
Turning around you race toward the light
But its too late now, no matter how hard you fight

The path crumbles away and you fall into air
Screaming for help but there’s nobody there
Forever trapped inside my mind
You are now mine until the end of time

 

Somber Stone