Another Way

Is there another way to look at it?

Hmmm this prompt made me stop and think for a moment. There’s been a lot of tough and complicated situations in my life. I’ve had a lot of hard things to deal with and overcome. In general I, and the rest of my family, seem to have rather bad luck; for lack of a better term. Though I try to not let the negative get me down or get stuck in my mind I can’t deny that it does. Its very easy for my mind to instantly start a cycle when something doesn’t go as planned. I start a downward spiral into worry and dread as my mind conjures all the worst possible outcomes. Logically I know this isn’t healthy and that while yes, these outcomes could happen they aren’t written in stone. Often things don’t turn out in the most horrible way that my mind has depicted, and sometimes it does. Yet, is there another way to look at it? Yes, there is and its something I need to think about more often.

There’s been recent times in my life that I get my blinders on and look at a situation or perspective one sided. I get stuck in a loop and go on and on, only looking at things one way. Then a friend or family member will say something that snaps me back to reality and forces me to look at a different perspective. This isn’t always pretty as life has an ugly side. Its human nature to not want to realize that your line of thinking may not be quite right or even entirely wrong. But looking at things in another light can help break down the walls we build around ourselves. There’s been times I’ve kept myself from moving forward, from embracing an opportunity to make my life better because I can only see one side of the situation. Its not always easy but if I can make myself stop for a moment, unlock my brain, and look at things in another way I may be able to help my life progress in the direction I want.

Then there’s the cynical part of me and really humanity as a whole. We get set in our ways and cannot conceive another way of thinking. This line of thinking is dangerous. When we fail to look at things in another way, from another’s point of view, we teeter on the edge of harm; and some fall off. When we fall into a pit where one way of thinking is the only right way we can conceive, hate and fear ensue. Hatred and fear lead to such atrocities as racism, homophobia, bigotry, harassment and the like. These things can lead us to harming other people because we get stuck in one way of thinking. I’m sure at any given time you can sit somewhere in the public, watching and listening to those around you and hear this line of thinking expressed. I know I often hear snide remarks from those who think their way of thinking is the one true way. If we could all just stop and ask our selves; is there another way to look at it, than perhaps the world could be filled with less hate and more understanding.

 

Hinder

What things could hinder you from expressing your own original ideas. How could you overcome these obstacles?

I burn with the desire to leave my mark upon this world. I want to leave behind something others can connect with, something that will grant me immortality long after my bones have been laid to rest. My mind is constantly mulling over an idea for some form of creative writing or expression. Yet, locked within my mind they stay. The biggest thing that hinders me from expressing my ideas and turning them into tangible creations is myself. I spew hopes and dreams of becoming a well know writer, of becoming a somebody. However, I do little to actually achieve this goal. A writer who doesn’t take time to write is hardly a writer. No? I have bits and pieces of ‘books’ that I’ve started that are left unfinished, though the plot still remains fresh in my mind. I have a few short works of poetry or flash fiction that has been thrown about and placed in various places on the internet. I even have a finished children’s story that is just rotting on my computer as I do nothing to get it published. My lack of motivation is my biggest foe.

So why am I so unmotivated? Well that delves into many factors which are also hindrances in and of themselves. My motivation ebbs and flows as my depression comes and goes. I’m not merely self diagnosing here, in the past I’ve been diagnosed with major depression. There’s a lot in my life that has contributed to my mental state but I won’t cover that in this blog. My mood tends to flow through cycles that can be triggered by the something major, something small, or nothing at all. I’ve dealt with this for years now and at times its better, and other times its worse. When at some of my lowest points the desire I carry to transcend my current life still burns deeply. Unfortunately, the flame isn’t hot enough to burn down the curtain of despair. Instead of doing something proactive I let myself get caught up in the woes of life and grow stagnant.

Lack of motivation, and depression are further aided by my own ignorance and lack or resources. My ignorance could be cured if I would make the time to really research and find the steps I need to take. As mentioned above I do have a finished work just sitting untouched and unread. Now I just need to figure out the steps to take toward publishing. Not that its an easy task but I’ll for sure never achieve it without putting forth any effort. My ignorance in what to do next is further exacerbated by my scant financial resources and social connections.

Ahh but excuses, excuses; there’s almost always a way to overcome adversity. I suppose one of the first things I should do is make it a point to write more. Even if its not writing on one of my books taking the time to write gets the creative juices flowing and sharpens the skills. I also need to make time to research the publishing process. I don’t expect to get handed a deal, or get published on my first try. I know it won’t be easy and there will be rejection. Yet, I’ll never be published if I don’t submit. Lastly, I need to reach out and communicate with others who have similar goals or who have experience in this field. I do actually know a person or two who could offer some advice. Why haven’t I reacted out to them? Laziness I suppose. Time and time again I have boasted that I will become an author. So now I need to stop talking about it and do it.

I’ll end this blog with a quote from a man who always inspires me.

“Your book isn’t burned it was never written …”
-Marilyn Manson: The Gardner : Born Villain

 

Connecting With The Nobodies

Sitting here in my own world as usual with headphones on tuning out the world and into the music of my choice. While listing to my favorite artists, Marilyn Manson, his song “The Nobodies” began playing. Most, if not all, of his songs connect with and affect me in some way or another. However, this song always strikes a particular chord with me. Thus, I decided to write about it and discuss how I correlate to the lyrics.

“Today I am dirty
I want to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I’m just dirt”

The first words of the song always ring in my ears. I often look at myself in disgust. Not as being dirty necessary but as being ugly, undesirable, not worthy. The next line also hits home as I want to be pretty, though my own sense of beauty is a bit warped. I want to be pretty in the sense that I want to be the person I feel inside rather than the me that reflects the world. I always envision myself different and make plans to make the changes needed to metamorphosis. Yet, I know from past attempts I’ll fail and thus will be dirt.

“Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I’m forever dirt”

The days pass by yet, I never make the changes I claim I will. I remain forever dirty, lying in failure and self abhorrence. I wanted to make the changes, to transform into the creature I hold dearly in my mind. I always intent to turn things around but intentions get me know where as they never manifest. Therefore, forever shall I remain dirt…

“We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we’re dead
They’ll know just who we are”

The chorus resonates with me the most. I feel like an insignificant nobody who is wasting away in the cesspool that it my life. I long to be somebody, to be something, to leave something behind and make a mark on the  world. When we die we are forgotten a few generations later unless we’ve done something to make history take note. I don’t want to go quietly into nonexistence, rather I want to immortalize myself by leaving something behind that will be remembered.

“Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day”

This part doesn’t resonate wit me in the same way as the rest of the song but still gives me something to draw from. To me it represents how our society works. We feed off of the most tragic and horrific scenes. We watch the news and other media outlets almost waiting, dare I say craving the next gruesome headline. Ratings sore when something horrible happens. We perpetuate the cycle, with all the media coverage and the perpetrator goes down in history and will forever be remembered. 

 

My Life’s Lot

Prompt: My lot in life makes me feel…

 

My lot in life has not been a particularly easy one. I wont outline my whole life story but to sum it up as shortly as possible I’ve witnessed my mother fall prey to cancer and other illnesses. I watched her health deteriorate and her personality change until she ceased to be. In the midst of this my father took his own life shortly after my high school graduation. I had to “grow up” much faster than many others and had to become self reliant and stand on my own. I’ve battled depression for years and still have my bouts with it. Some have told me how strong I am and how proud they are of me. Yet, I look at my self and my life with bitter disdain. Sure I’m still alive, I’m still standing despite the misfortunes I’ve faced but I’m just another nobody wasting away…

I burn with the desire to be ‘somebody’ and fantasize about the life I want. I see myself as a well known and successful author. Not too much in the public eye but enough that my name is recognized. I’ve done something with my life, made something of myself, and left a mark upon the world. Then reality shatters the bubble and I look at my life for what it is… less than mediocre. I’m a community collage student who is racking up debit. My boyfriend and I live on our own and I own my house yet, we are always strapped for cash. We live in one room because we can’t heat or cool the entire house, live off of fast food and packaged noodles, and feel rather stuck. I make plans to ‘do something’ with my life. I set goals but never take steps to achieve them. I often look at myself with disgust. I say “I’ll make it one day.” and “I’ll do something with my life.” Then turn around and do nothing.

I suppose labeling myself as a hopeless dreamer sums everything up. I always have my head in the clouds to escape the drab reality that is my life. I want to take the world by storm and leave behind something that will impact others. I conjure ideas of grandeur only to let them remain in my head. I’ll start a project and never finish it. Or in the case of my hopes of writing children’s stories, I’ll let a finished work rot away on my computer. My laziness, lack of motivation, and ignorance of what steps to take keep me stuck in the rut that is my lot in life. Some circumstances are beyond my control, others lie with me. If I want to end this bitter existence I need to get my head out of the clouds and focus on how to realistically achieve my goals.