Hinder

What things could hinder you from expressing your own original ideas. How could you overcome these obstacles?

I burn with the desire to leave my mark upon this world. I want to leave behind something others can connect with, something that will grant me immortality long after my bones have been laid to rest. My mind is constantly mulling over an idea for some form of creative writing or expression. Yet, locked within my mind they stay. The biggest thing that hinders me from expressing my ideas and turning them into tangible creations is myself. I spew hopes and dreams of becoming a well know writer, of becoming a somebody. However, I do little to actually achieve this goal. A writer who doesn’t take time to write is hardly a writer. No? I have bits and pieces of ‘books’ that I’ve started that are left unfinished, though the plot still remains fresh in my mind. I have a few short works of poetry or flash fiction that has been thrown about and placed in various places on the internet. I even have a finished children’s story that is just rotting on my computer as I do nothing to get it published. My lack of motivation is my biggest foe.

So why am I so unmotivated? Well that delves into many factors which are also hindrances in and of themselves. My motivation ebbs and flows as my depression comes and goes. I’m not merely self diagnosing here, in the past I’ve been diagnosed with major depression. There’s a lot in my life that has contributed to my mental state but I won’t cover that in this blog. My mood tends to flow through cycles that can be triggered by the something major, something small, or nothing at all. I’ve dealt with this for years now and at times its better, and other times its worse. When at some of my lowest points the desire I carry to transcend my current life still burns deeply. Unfortunately, the flame isn’t hot enough to burn down the curtain of despair. Instead of doing something proactive I let myself get caught up in the woes of life and grow stagnant.

Lack of motivation, and depression are further aided by my own ignorance and lack or resources. My ignorance could be cured if I would make the time to really research and find the steps I need to take. As mentioned above I do have a finished work just sitting untouched and unread. Now I just need to figure out the steps to take toward publishing. Not that its an easy task but I’ll for sure never achieve it without putting forth any effort. My ignorance in what to do next is further exacerbated by my scant financial resources and social connections.

Ahh but excuses, excuses; there’s almost always a way to overcome adversity. I suppose one of the first things I should do is make it a point to write more. Even if its not writing on one of my books taking the time to write gets the creative juices flowing and sharpens the skills. I also need to make time to research the publishing process. I don’t expect to get handed a deal, or get published on my first try. I know it won’t be easy and there will be rejection. Yet, I’ll never be published if I don’t submit. Lastly, I need to reach out and communicate with others who have similar goals or who have experience in this field. I do actually know a person or two who could offer some advice. Why haven’t I reacted out to them? Laziness I suppose. Time and time again I have boasted that I will become an author. So now I need to stop talking about it and do it.

I’ll end this blog with a quote from a man who always inspires me.

“Your book isn’t burned it was never written …”
-Marilyn Manson: The Gardner : Born Villain

 

Connecting With The Nobodies

Sitting here in my own world as usual with headphones on tuning out the world and into the music of my choice. While listing to my favorite artists, Marilyn Manson, his song “The Nobodies” began playing. Most, if not all, of his songs connect with and affect me in some way or another. However, this song always strikes a particular chord with me. Thus, I decided to write about it and discuss how I correlate to the lyrics.

“Today I am dirty
I want to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I’m just dirt”

The first words of the song always ring in my ears. I often look at myself in disgust. Not as being dirty necessary but as being ugly, undesirable, not worthy. The next line also hits home as I want to be pretty, though my own sense of beauty is a bit warped. I want to be pretty in the sense that I want to be the person I feel inside rather than the me that reflects the world. I always envision myself different and make plans to make the changes needed to metamorphosis. Yet, I know from past attempts I’ll fail and thus will be dirt.

“Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I’m forever dirt”

The days pass by yet, I never make the changes I claim I will. I remain forever dirty, lying in failure and self abhorrence. I wanted to make the changes, to transform into the creature I hold dearly in my mind. I always intent to turn things around but intentions get me know where as they never manifest. Therefore, forever shall I remain dirt…

“We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we’re dead
They’ll know just who we are”

The chorus resonates with me the most. I feel like an insignificant nobody who is wasting away in the cesspool that it my life. I long to be somebody, to be something, to leave something behind and make a mark on the  world. When we die we are forgotten a few generations later unless we’ve done something to make history take note. I don’t want to go quietly into nonexistence, rather I want to immortalize myself by leaving something behind that will be remembered.

“Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day”

This part doesn’t resonate wit me in the same way as the rest of the song but still gives me something to draw from. To me it represents how our society works. We feed off of the most tragic and horrific scenes. We watch the news and other media outlets almost waiting, dare I say craving the next gruesome headline. Ratings sore when something horrible happens. We perpetuate the cycle, with all the media coverage and the perpetrator goes down in history and will forever be remembered.