Photo by Para Morbid : Taken in KY
Family Comparison
Born in a Kentucky town and raised in the middle of nowhere by two loving, yet relatively normal, parents I turned out quite different than most around me. Both my brother and I are vastly different and just don’t fit the mold of either our family or traditional Kentuckian. I thought it would be interesting, and a bit fun, to look at some of my family members compared to me.
My father was born in a small country town in a simpler time. His mother and father had eleven children including my father. He grew up helping his family on a farm. He was a farmer himself among other things. He kept a heard of cattle and raised tobacco while also working for a tree trimming service. He enjoyed gardening, hunting, fishing, coffee, walking in the woods, good food, and sitting on the front porch. He enjoyed watching Western movies, MASH, NOVA, nature shows, and such. He listened to bluegrass, country, and gospel music along with writing lyrics and singing the latter two. During his latter years of life he went to church with my mother and I and he put his musical talents to good use. His casual dress was blue jeans and a plain T-shirt with a front pocket and a cap on his head. He was what I consider one of those good ‘ol country boys. He was honest and hard working. He never met a stranger and was kind and generous. Though his hands were hard and calloused from hard labor his heart was soft and kind.
My mother was also born in a small town but grew up with a smaller family. She had a fraternal twin sister, a younger sister, older brother, and older half brother. She worked for a time in a sewing factory until she married my father and became a wife, mother, and homemaker. In her younger years she was a fire cracker and didn’t hesitate to give you a piece of her mind, getting into arguments with strangers when they tried to push her around. After she fell ill with cancer and other health issues she became a bit more shy. She enjoyed flowers and when she was able planted and kept gardens herself. Later they were kept up and cared for by my father. She enjoyed walking in the woods before she fell ill. Even after her health began to decline she enjoyed fishing, watching humming birds while sitting on the porch drinking coffee. She watched soap operas, Little House On The Prairie, The Waltons, Touched By An Angle and the like. She went to Church when her health permitted. She always loved Elvis and had tickets to see him but he died before the concert. Before she fell ill her attire was usually black dress pants with a plain shirt underneath a nicer button up or dress jacket. After he health failed she wore blue jeans and printed T-shirts when not going to church. She was always loving and cared deeply for her family.
Other relatives from both sides of the family follow much of the same suit. Most go to church and are Christians in some form or another. On my dad’s side you have the typical country folk. A lot of them live in rural areas and enjoy much of the same things my father did and dress much in the same fashion. The younger generations deviate from the path a bit but are more or less the same. On mom’s side of the family you have less farmer orientation but still have the good ‘ol country folk. They dress modestly and casually. They were born and raised here in Kentucky and many of them have stayed here.
Then you get to me and my brother and things start to change. My brother is fourteen years older than me so there is quite a gap. Even though we are siblings we pretty much grew up as only children. My brother inherited my father’s work ethic. He works hard and has always been there for me in my time of need. His taste in music is hugely different than that of most of our family. While many of them still listen to country and contemporary Christian he listens to brutal death metal. For several years he was lead guitarist in a band and play around Kentucky and other states. When not in work clothes he dresses in cargo and military pants sporting band t-shirts and hoodies. He use to have long hair with an undercut though it is now buzzed. He has three or so tattoos and a few piercings. One of his favorite shows is the Walking Dead and horror movies rank high on his list, the gorier and more perverse the better. Anything horror or gore related is right up his ally, throwing in some nerdy things such as fantasy, scifi and transformers into the mix. His humor lies in the darker side and others would consider it inappropriate. We often crack jokes that would make those around us shudder or twist their faces in disgust. He isn’t spiritual and takes a more agnostic position. His leisure time is spent watching movies, going to metal shows, and comic conventions.
Then there’s me. A lot of my likes lie closely with those of my brother. Bloody and visceral movies are among my favorites along with things that are just strange or different. I enjoy psychological thrillers and anything paranormal or supernatural. Fantasy, scifi, mech, and more rank high in my interests. I love anime and other adult cartoons like Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Super Jail, and South Park. My style of dress is evolving as most of my life I have settled for whatever I can find as I have a hard time finding things I like in my size (that’s a topic for another day). Currently its mostly jeans with horror or nerdy shirts and hoodies. I have one tattoo but want three more and have six piercings and again want a few more. I went from being Christian like most of my family to atheist. My free time is spent writing, listening to podcasts or watching documentaries, playing video games, watching movies and anime, and going to comic conventions with my boyfriend and brother. My taste in music ranges from metal to brutal death metal with a few other things mixed in here and there. My sense of humor is dark and inappropriate.
This brief look into myself and my family is just a few highlights. I’m not the most bizarre person to live in Kentucky, in fact I know several others who have similar interests. Yet, compared to my family I’m not like the majority. I often look at my relatives and reflect on my parents and wonder why me and my brother drifted toward the morbid side. I detest or just don’t agree with a lot of my family’s tastes or beliefs. They watch TV shows that I find boring, listen to music that makes my flesh crawl, and hold opinions that are in direct conflict to mind. I’ve come to find they don’t really know me as well as perhaps I thought or they believed. Casual conversations sometimes lead them looking at me perplexed. Other topics, such as religion and politics, I just dodge all together. Sometimes I feel a little left out, but then again I am who I am, I like what I like, and wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Canine Play
My dogs, Koopa and Bear, playing. I snapped a photo and then edited it in Photoshop and MS Paint.
I Once Was Found But Now Am Lost : Was Blind But Now I See
My descent into godlessness started eight years ago. I first started to question my faith and the beliefs I held after the death of my father. Before this time I had been a born again Christian. I had been a member of a local church for years and taught Sunday school, or as we called it childrens church. Even before then I had gone to church on and off with my aunt and went to a local bible school each summer. I believed whole heartily in Yahweh, the Christian god of the bible, and that he sent his son Jesus to suffer and die on the cross as a sacrifice to pay for our sins. I had given my life to the lord, was baptized in his name and tried to live the life of a good Christian. I prayed every day for my family and for those I loved. I had even gotten down on my face before god, praying for some relief. My prayers seemed in vain as mom continued to suffer. I told myself then than it was part of god’s divine plan and that mom’s suffering was for some reason my mortal mind could not comprehend. My father had been going to church with us for years as well. He had an amazing singing voice and a talent for writing song lyrics. He wrote and sang many gospel songs at our church despite not being ‘saved’. Shortly before I was to graduate high school he gave his life over to god and was baptized. We all rejoiced that he had finally accepted Jesus as his personal savior. You would think things were looking up but shortly there after he took his own life. This left me feeling lost and alone taking care of my ill, bed ridden mother and grieving the loss of my father at the age of eighteen.
I had always been drawn to the occult and things a good christian shouldn’t dabble in. Astrology and the tarot fascinated me, yet I kept my distance as they were ‘evil’. I always had questions about religion. Such as the notion that Christianity was the ‘right’ path and all others were wrong. No one could ever justify to me why it was the right path. The only answers I got left me wanting more. I was told it was because we could feel it in our heart of hearts, that we could feel god’s love working in our life, that we had a duty to spread the word, and that our god was the one and only true god. This didn’t satisfy me at all, didn’t all followers of all religions feel this way? If not they surly wouldn’t be followers of their god. These thoughts were brushed asunder, a good Christian shouldn’t question god.
After dad’s death I started to slip further from the teachings of the church. They no longer satisfied me and my thirst for knowledge grew. I became immersed in all things paranormal, hoping to figure out if dad was still lingering with me. Along with this I began dabbling in Wicca and witchcraft. Learning more about pagan religions and keeping a rather open mind. I never claimed to be Wiccan or adhered to any particular pagan path but was eclectic, taking bits of what resonated with me and adding them to my beliefs. At this time I believed in ghosts and spirits, in energies and metaphysical phenomenon. My friends and I would go ghost hunting in local cemeteries taking paranormal photographs. I devoured any information I could find on hauntings and I drifted further from Christianity and embraced my eclectic path. Even through the death of my mother, who had suffered for thirteen years, I kept seeking answers to my spiritual questions.
For years I continued looking into pagan paths and slowly became interested in Eastern religions and concepts such as reincarnation. At this point I began to believe we reincarnated from life to life but wasn’t exactly sure why. I even thought perhaps I was an old soul. I was still exploring and had began to doubt the existence of a god, taking on more Buddhists beliefs. I began to redefine god as the universe or a collective consciousness and not an actual entity. I even got caught up in the ancient alien theories and entertained the notion that the gods we worshiped were extraterrestrial visitors from long ago. This way of thinking stuck with me for a while but I was still being pulled to explore more. My belief in a god of any sort was waning. The more I searched for answers the more questions I had.
I don’t remember exactly how I had heard of The Atheist Experience, a public access broadcast from Texas, but I found some videos on YouTube and began watching. I listened intently to what the hosts and callers had to say and it resonated with me. The atheist stance began to make more logical sense than anything I had ever heard before. I branched off from their show and began listing to The Thinking Atheist podcast and again found myself nodding along to the points Seth Andrews, the host, was making. While The Atheist Experience helped chip away at my religious shackles, Seth’s podcasts from The Thinking Atheist touched me on an emotional level with topics such as grief without god. The pieces seemed to fall in place and the lingering fear from the grips of Christianity fell aside. At last I had been set free and my eyes had been opened. It has been several months since I first discovered these programs and while I’m not a completely out atheist to my family and friends, I have shed off any remnants of religion.
There are a lot of misconceptions about what atheism is and what it means to be an atheist. As an atheist I reject the claims that a god exists as there has been no evidence to prove a god’s existence. This doesn’t mean that as an atheist I exert the notion that no god actually exists or can exist; just that there is no evidence to prove one does and until there is I remain skeptical. Some may ask why not just stick with the agnostic label? The answer is because that only addresses what I know, not what I believe. Do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no god? No, I would be agnostic as I don’t and can’t know this for certain. However, do I believe that there is no god? Yes, atheism addresses the question of my active belief.
I am growing more and more comfortable using the word atheist to describe myself. Since freeing myself from religion I have been happier. I have been better able to deal with the tragic things of the past and face the problems of today. Before I used to ask questions of why me?… Am I and my family cursed? …What have I done so wrong to deserve this?… Is god punishing me?… Why does mom have to face so much suffering?… Why did dad have to take his own life?… Is dad burning in hell?… Why does god’s plan involve so much suffering for my family?… and many more. However those questions no longer plague my mind. I don’t feel as if my family is cursed, that I’m being punished, that mom’s suffering was all part of some intangible plan. I feel more in control of my life and see it as more meaningful now than I ever did as a Christian. I use to believe that this life was suffering and that to endure the pain would grant my treasures in an everlasting heaven. Now I believe this is our only life and once its over there is no afterlife. Because of this we need to enjoy our life and do with it as we please. Its so statistically unlikely for us to be born at all, yet here we are. So lets take this brief moment of existence and run with it.
Into
Into the darkness to find the light
Into myself to unleash the demon
Into the night to avoid the day
Into the nightmare to discover the dream
Into the mirror to slay the beast
Into the mind to quite the fears
Into the heart to purge the pain
Into my skin to live out my days
Into the past to bury the memory
Into the future to sew the seeds
Into the present to live in regret
Into eternity for nonexistence
I Cried Out
I cried out and no one answered.
I sought yet never found.
I gave myself unto thee.
And was crushed upon the ground.
My dreams once were vivid.
My soul a ray of light.
Now I stand alone and lost.
Wondering blindly in the night.
I hold my hand outstretched.
Waiting for a reassuring touch.
Hope now is fading.
Why did I expect so much?
I close my eyes to rest.
Hoping for some peace at last.
My heart forever broken.
Dwelled too long in the past.
By Para Morbid 2011
(Originally posted on facebook and Hubpages.com)
A Look Inside 